My God stuff thinkings

One of my greatest desires is to be grouped with everyone bowed before the awesomeness of God, utterly blown away by His presence, crumbled at His glory, ecstatic at His selection, shrunken by His immensity,  gnawing for His infilling, drenched in His reign, coddled by His comfort, stilled by His peace, humbled through His foresight, and warmed by His praise.

I want to dance before my savior and shout for all to hear. I want to give back the life He gave me to make His name clearly read in all languages. I want to get to know Him so much more, so that my faith is limitless and His use for me and my family is without bounds. I beg for more challenge that will force me into His reliance, tie me to His Words and flood me with His aches. I want to be so open to His input and power filled under His guidance.

Ten years ago, I prayed for a challenge. I asked God to do what He wanted for His benefit, even if it meant me being hurt. Though I had recently recovered from eating disorders and the PTSD struggles of my abusive past, I had fallen into such blessing that I felt I owed Him more – that my life was too easy. Stupid? Let’s see.

My husband and I decided to have one more child (we had three at that stage), and this one was to be our last. Stephen and I were quickly blessed and hung on to a little hope that perhaps this would be a boy. Our oldest is a boy, then two girls, and in my heart I guess I wanted Stephen to have a biological boy as well.

At 22wks I had my routine scan and sat soul disturbed as we heard that our little one had major problems with his heart. He had blood vessels where there should be none, and the most important ones were missing.

Further tests confirmed our baby was a boy, but suffered from a deletion in a chromosome which has a bunch of scary long names. Simply put, he would be unable to breathe on his own ever, would be mentally retarded at a high level, if he lived to 2years he would be in pain the entire time, and wouldn’t ever know why. On top of that he was immunodeficient – he would not survive his first illness and if he made it through the first week alive, they would begin a series of operations to help him breath. He would never leave the hospital they said. This was confirmed by the specialist who supported other beautiful children who had been through the same troubles. There were other issues too. This was not the worst case senario.

Our hearts broke. We ached for him, and all our dreams of him.

What were we to do? It was within our rights to legally end the pregnancy, if it was done before week 24. I had never in my life dreamed of being in such a position. Abortion had always been something I could never get my head around. How could anyone kill a baby? A life? An innocent unknown potential.

God knew it was happening.

He had it in His mind.

What would you have done?

After one week of deep grief and praying, our pastor (who has now passed on) gave us this text: “Do what seems best to you.” 1 Sam 1:23.

I occasionally thought of how I would cope mentally with the ongoing demands and heartbreaks of continuing. I thought of how it would affect my other children with me being away so much. Mostly,I thought of how it would be for the baby to be born into the world under such circumstances, and whether I would want that for myself.

Rightly or wrongly, we agonizingly chose to induce this pregnancy and birth him early so he would die in my arms without the legal requirement of the health professionals to take him from me and try to make him live.

I gave him to God. I literally had to make the decision I felt was best at the time, and that was to give him up.

I wept in uncontrolled agony the moment I pushed him out, fluid bag still whole, and saw him. He looked perfect on the outside. In our arms we watched him gently breathe under my morphene for nearly 20min before he passed away. He was truly a miracle of life.

Now, do not judge me. Travis was desperately loved and mourned and his memory cherished and his loss is always felt. The difference is that if it were not for modern medicine, he would have died naturally within hours of birth at full term without us ever knowing what was so internally skewed in his heart. He would have been just as loved and treasured, though in pain and with seizures, and unable to be in my arms.

Modern medicine forced a decision on us that should not be for anyone to make.

We knew.

As John Piper says, ‘We all know what we are doing in abortion.’ Was my decision justified? Did I play God? Was my faith not strong enough to rise to what God had planned for us?

Regardless of your battle to decide, I am at peace now. I have never felt condemnation for letting our darling baby go. We chose what seemed best at the time. We chose mercy for our child when he would never have been in a position to choose for himself. Will he thank us? I do not know. Will he know we love him? For certain.

God allowed us to experience a quandary that has baffled the strongest faiths and brought out much hatred and division through history. Accusations could have toppled us from our faith in God, if we were not forced into an awed fear and desperate need to lean on His mercy.

My question is - are we not all guilty of killing lives that had the potential to shine Christ?

How many of us can say that we spoke up in every crucial moment? The moment that could have brought someone searching to a knowledge of Jesus? Or have you too, let some baby seed remain in a soil that could not sustain life. Is it only me, who has on occasion stripped the eternal life-giving environment from a babe in Christ, to watch in horror (or sometimes complacency) as their spark of life ceases to be?

How are we aborting our children in the most important sense? The eternal life sense? Is it through growing them in a womb of constant unhealthy food-entertainment, the coldness of disinterested parents, the oxygen-rich life-blood dwindling through the knotted cord of our hardened hearts?

We are all guilty.

We do not know which of our witnessed actions might have been the last straw, for a life struggling to breathe and in need of a chance at an eternity.

God is my judge and Travis is my son. Travis will live eternally, as will I, through the overwhelming and cleansing grace of God! I have learnt to not harshly wipe at a decision, that looks ugly and selfish, with the cloth of judgment.  God has known and will know so much more than us, the depths of pain which bring our hardest decisions from within – right and wrong.

Satan is the devil. He is the accuser and the lie. He is the aborter of our souls. He is the wrong in every beautiful human being who once had a clean slate. Hate the sin that causes us to be in such trying complex times, and do not hate the sinner.

Abortion is wrong. It is one of the dirtiest lies our society has ever cloaked under human rights.

There should be NO case for it. However, we live in strange times and I refuse to be caught up in self-condemnation and lifelong regret for the complications our world was never intended to face. God is so much larger than that. His glory has shone through my choice and could have too if I had made the other choice. The fact is the choice was made and I alone must face Him. Let the accuser, Satan, be alone in his faultfinding stand next to me before the throne of God. Be wary of ever standing in his place.

God has set us free from all condemnation in Christ Jesus and I live to know this more deeply in my heart every day. He has allowed this so that more of my future decisions will line up more perfectly with His plans. He is a good God. He is a gracious God. He is an understanding God. He wants our minds to be free!

Would I again pray for God to have free reign in my life, to shape me however much it might hurt? Absolutely. I beg God for the times that bring me closer and more desperate for Him. It will have to be more real and painful soon enough, for us to be tested as to our strength of decision - to stand when it matters.

It matters now - right now - as much as in the troubled times ahead. Beg for more training and discipline. All He gives is for us and never too much.


We went on to have three more children to make our six. Beautiful lives just as planned by God. We are responsible for their lives, in and outside of the womb.

Latest comments

08.10 | 03:59

Kylie, I would be delighted to have my name as a side character in your next book. I am telling anyone who will listen that they too must read The Book of Told.

08.10 | 03:42

Thank you SOOO much, Carol, for your encouragement! I would love to use your name as a side character in the prequel! Much blessings to you!

08.10 | 02:43

For the first time in many years I have found a book that I didn't want to put down. I wanted to just continue reading to find out where the story was going.

05.10 | 18:11

so so nice