My God stuff thinkings

And I need confirmation from our local church that this is God's will. Only, the chirch we have been somewhat attending has no interest in this. They put down other churches from the pulpit and are in the middle of a changeover in leadership from father to son. 

I don't know what to do. Do I reach out to the other churches which I know very well, and see if there is vision and support for the Pilgrim's Progress among them? Do I start advertising employment for artists and managers from around the world to consider this venture?

Why do I get people close to me from my church who have not read the book, asking me - challenging me - as to whether the Holy SPirit is in this. The same quiestions arises when I mention my passion for apologetics and training people with the beautiful knowledge and answers to give in gentleness and love regarding our faith. I am challenged as to whether I should just rely on the Spirit to give all this knowledge and answers when the time is right.

Argh!!!!! God... this 2 week fasting from all but you is such a gift. I need it. THANK YOU!!

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              My next step is exposed

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              I know the ground I step on

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              All dangers are obvious

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              I know what shoes I am to wear

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              Those closest to me will see where I step

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              Everything else looks dark

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              I can see if the next step is level

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              Your word must be in my hand

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              I better hold onto it tightly

If your word is a lamp to my feet

              I must know it very well

If your word is a light to my path

              I can see where my steps are heading

If your word is a light to my path

              I can plan for the journey

If your word is a light to my path

              I can see the sideroads to avoid

If your word is a light to my path

              I can avoid the pits and traps

If your word is a light to my path

              Others can gaze ahead too

If your word is a light to my path

              I need strong arms to hold it before me

If your word is a light to my path

              Others will be drawn to it

If your word is a light to my path

              No darkness can diminish it

If your word is a light to my path

              Protection walks with me

If your word is a light to my path

              The power that raised Jesus is in my hand

If your word is a light to my path

              It is hard to be distracted by lesser lights

If your word is a light to my path

              I have nothing to be afraid of

If your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path

              Everything is exposed for what it is

              The creator is ever before me

              Your brightness is what I see the world through

              I am grasping the Word of Life!

When writing the above I was under a nasty slowly brewing what felt more like opression rather than depression. My feelings where getting worse and worse and I was beginning to loose all desire for anything in life. My thoughts seemed to be not my own and I was sinking helplessly. I knew I was at breaking point when my friend (who had been praying for me when she was up at night with her newborn) asked me to visit so we could pray. For 4 days leading up to this I could not go more than a few hours without sobbing my eyes out, like the world had ended, and God had not gotten the glory He deserved.

My crying was seriously distressing and my poor husband, who stepped up beautifully to support me, began praying also. When I was parked 100 metres from my friends place on the side of the road with uncontrollable sobbing ruining my carefully applied makeup, I could barely breathe! 

I txted her to say what was happening. She immediately prayed for me and I sat there alone on the side of the road with my sunglasses on, crying for nearly an hour. Finally, I drove home without ever getting to catch up properly with my friend, and thinking I might be medically depressed and might need intervention outside of prayer.

That night I knew something deep down had broken for the better. Over the next 2 days I climbed up and broke free of my heavy and dragging ball and chain, and saw the light and joy and insight return!

I don't know how to describe this other than spiritual attack. A few days later, a "random" comment came from an old friend at a school athletics event. She said Thames (my small town) was becoming known as the "witch-hub" of New Zealand. She said this because I mentioned that life had been so hard this year with my husbands work and all the distress of my son's friend's suicide and sooo many other stressors, that we where thinking of moving to a city (Tauranga). 

She told me to stay. I felt the confirmation in the Spirit that this was a spiritual battle which is so much stronger than the hurts and stressors that daily life brings. I was to pick up the Word Sword and hitch up my armour and give both ears to my Mastor Commander to hear what his next move was.

So this I am doing.

Yesterday on a walk, God asked for 2 weeks of my time. Nothing that was not of God or about the Word was to pass into me (ie, movies, etc). Two weeks of all God. And that I could ask what I will during that time and He would give it to me. So far I am not sure what to ask. I am waiting until the fruit of fasting is at work and I can more clearly hear his heart and know his desires.

I know in the natural perhaps, I beg him to let this land come on the market quickly so we could know either way if we are to build the Pilgrim's Progress on the hilltops overlooking town or not build it at all. 

I just want what he wants.

I have had so many selfish thoughts this week. I almost became bogged down in the Slough of Despond! My feelings overwhelmed me and I could not swipe them from my face and keep them from oozing around my bnody to choke me.

The Slough looked like this:

Why do you answer some prayers but not what I really want now? Why am I so afraid and struggle with mild social anxiety? How can these fears help you in any way? Will I ever be a strong fruit-bearing tree? How can I watch my children suffer with the struggles of life and am I the cause of some of them? How do I be the strong mother and friend I know you want me to be when I am sinking here? Why am I feeling so impatient about the land for the Pilgrim’s Progress? Why is it taking so long? Will it even happen and if we don’t get that land, do we continue on our own land? Why do I crave community and like-minded people and meeting new people when I also struggle to lift my head in town at times? Who can I cry to? Will we even be living here next year? What do I do today?

Sometimes I forget to call for help!!

So, when I finally gave a loud call for help, rather than the garbled, half drowning attempts and desperate looks at those walking comfortably on the sidelines, I felt Help instantly hold my hand. I still had to wade to the other side and heave and push and pull to untangle myself from my feelings and climb onto solid ground, but Help never let me go!

Now, after a good washing under the words of Help, I can see the answers clearly and I thank God that my life is no other way.

Maybe this is why I love Pilgrim’s Progress so much – simply and foremost for reminding myself in a visual and tangible form the realities of our walk as followers of Jesus. NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING compares to walking with Him!!!

I have finally learnt what it means to ‘pray in the Spirit’. Two weeks ago, my best friend had a phone call from an adoption agency to say they had a baby for them. My friend and her husband are my husband’s and mine first real best friends. We treasure them.

They have one child, a five year old boy. They cannot have more themselves. In May this year my friend’s husband was diagnosed with Thymic carcinoma. The tumor was as large as a coffee cup. He was 36.

3 months of grueling treatment later and it has completely gone. I watched their faith shake with the storms, battering them from both sides. Their emotions were all over the place. But the amazing thing I noticed most was that with each gust, their trunk of faith grew stronger and thicker. Their tree is a beautiful marker to our community who rallied behind them in support.

Now, both are in the middle of an emotionally exhausting transfer of a tiny baby girl. They are crying for joy, they are sobbing and steeling themselves against heartbreak in case the birth mother changes her mind. The day after the baby was born, my friend called with a massive gust blowing her sideways and threatening to pull her roots out. The birth parents hadn’t turned up to the transition appointment. It was an agonizing wait which she begged for prayer over.

I instantly felt the seriousness of the situation. I went to the floor face down aching for them. My mind began to pray for the parents to turn up immediately. But these words felt distant from God. I began to listen. Soon enough I knew what God really wanted me to ask.

I prayed for the parent’s hearts. I asked for comfort and strength and even deep joy to come from this situation. I asked for God's timing. I asked for the best outcome which meant God would be glorified, even if it meant heartache for my friends. I asked for this baby and parents to come to know Jesus and to see Him reflected through the God-strengthened response from my friends even if their hearts where about to be dashed.

I asked for comfort and peace in bucket-loads to be poured out on all of them, so that the birth mother and father could look back and wonder what covered them. I prayed for Jesus love to shine through this tricky and emotive situation. I asked for God’s wisdom and will to be done even if it meant my friends might be hurt again.

This was praying in the Spirit. It was real, heartfelt, right, complete, honest according to my knowledge of Him, and a request that was already yes in Christ Jesus. God showed me what to ask and I could finally listen because I am actively living in His Word, and His Word is actively living in me. So I knew He would lead this request and it already would be yes, according to His Word. It is truly truly amazing!!!

I guess I better finish by saying that the birth parents turned up 3 hours later and left behind their baby girl. They were not Christians but wanted Christians to raise her. They talked for hours and came back for short visits over the next 6 days. The process is not complete until the birth certificate is sent to the lawyers, and this might take another week, during which time the birth mother has the right to change her mind.

The wind is still blowing against the trees, though the trunks are becoming thick and unbendable!

But guess what the four parents agreed to call their darling baby girl who I simply am bursting to meet?

Faith.

I have just completed a 12 week apologetics course through RZIM (Ravi Zacharius International Ministeries) and I can't recommend it highly enough!! I have learnt so much about loving people and really hearing them before sharing God with them. I have gained so much confidence in defending my faith in Jesus. I understand the depth and coherence of our world view. I grasp the importance of emperical evidence and how science and the gospel walk hand in hand. 

It is truly exciting and moving! 

I need this groundwork in place if the land and Pilgrim's Progress are God's plan. We have such a major influx of tourists as of this week arriving on our peninsula, and within a year it has been predicted New Zealand will have more tourists than our population. I want to use this platform to increase awareness about human trafficking and support A21 and our local NZ agency Child Rescue with more financial support. 

We make plans but God directs and guides according to his better one. I love the conversations that are already happening regarding the direction we are heading, and this I know...we are heading toward more sharing of our faith and more life lived selflessly for the glory of God! 

Last week I had to interview my husband's closest friend (not a Christian) as part of my course. I had to ask him four main questions but I could ask more questions within each subset if I felt he had not explored his view enough. I was not allowed to comment or offer my thoughts in exchange, just hear him out alone.

The questions where for him to share his view of Origin, Meaning, Morality and Destiny. It was so powerful.

This experience was so much more than I could have imagined. It taught me to really hear people, and see the flaws and experiences that brought them to their world view.

For example, my friend believes we came from apes, that animals have no spirits only humans do, that he believes we all evolved from nothing and that when we die our spirits go are the spirits of the next born child. 

Now none of this is coherent but for him with his background of police work seeing abuse and death too often, it helped him cope. This was a powerful point for me to understand. Behind every world view is a personal story of pain.